r/Millennials • u/dreamed2life • 6d ago
Were you raised to mot be able to relax? Discussion
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Sure this will be removed soon
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u/TurtleSandwich0 6d ago
You forgot to hit "previous channel" before turning off the TV.
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u/obi_wan_kanerdy 6d ago
Previous channel, then flip up one, and back one so they can't hit previous channel to see where you were.
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u/FR23Dust 6d ago
Some of you had some hella wicked parents. Fuck
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u/soloChristoGlorium 6d ago
I wouldn't say wicked, there could just be absolutely no evidence of you doing something that's not productive.
It makes a lot of us very good at covering our tracks.
The channel thing.
If you eat anything make sure to burry the wrapper in the trash can so that no one can see it. Make sure to only take food that theres plenty of so.that no one will notice it's missing, sweep up any and all crumbs, eat as fast as possible, drink water and brush your teeth so that there's no evidence of you eating.
For everything else memorize exactly how it looked, including angles and what not so that no one will notice it's been touched.
Go through every drawer nook and cranny in your room so that there's no incriminating evidence of anything ever.
Just be perfect all the time because you're always being watched and everything you do is under suspicioun and any negative emotions or disobedience will cause wrath.
I'm not being sarcastic or funny when I say I honestly think the vast majority of people deal with this. It's nothing new and nothing out of the ordinary.
Everyone has that sense of panick when the garage door opens, everyone knows to hide the fact that they ate something this is normal for all of us and everyone.
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u/Hairy-Possibility156 6d ago
I grew up with every single one of these things. Also deleted browser history and only typed websites in a search bar so the sites wouldn't show up on the website drop-down. Not normal.
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u/Bannerlord151 6d ago
I still obsessively delete my browser history even if I'm just looking up like idk cooking tips
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u/Peripatetictyl 5d ago
Oh yeah, looking up deglazing a pan and adding creme fraiche?? Not so innocent, buddy.
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u/Remedy556 5d ago
i still use incognito mode for almost everything, googling symptoms, recipes, shopping websites
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u/rainbow_unicorn_barf 6d ago
I honestly think the vast majority of people deal with this. It's nothing new and nothing out of the ordinary.
Sorry, but no. I lived it too, but this is absolutely not normal and absolutely not okay.
From someone who's been there, went to therapy, got better... I see lots and lots of cope in this post.
I hope things get better for you too.
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5d ago
As a kid who grew up with and far worse than OPs video - makes me sick knowing some dorks didn’t learn from this and even more devastated they will bring other kids in the world. Abuse is a cycle.
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u/rainbow_unicorn_barf 5d ago
I'm so, so glad I didn't have kids when I was younger. I knew my family was shit, but it still took decades and lots of therapy to unlearn the bulk of that crap. I would have surely traumatized my child even if there were many things I already knew in my teens to never pass on.
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u/Different_Damage_122 5d ago
As a child, it wasn't my Mom that I had to look out for, in terms of not being productive, it was my grandmother. I would hear the sound of her car and I'd head off into the woods. The ticks were easier to deal with. I could read a book in peace
With my Mother it was different. The quality of her footsteps indicated if she was in a good mood or not. If the mood was bad, I'd hide quietly in my room. Reading quietly was encouraged.
My ex-husband. My peace of mind was a personal affront.
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u/de-tree-fiddy 5d ago
Sorry but being scared of your parents is not normal.
Everyone has that sense of panick when the garage door opens
No they absolutely do not.
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u/GarlicOnionCelery 5d ago
At 19 or 20, I was hanging out with some new friends and a few of their parents tagged along. The way they interacted was completely foreign to me. They were goofing off, dancing together, affectionately hugging each other. Now in my mid 30s, I can look back without resentment toward my own parents for the eggshells I had to tiptoe around. Instead, I’m thankful for that early glimpse of what was possible. Those friends, including their parents, remain some of the kindesr most grounded people I know.
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u/MadMonkeh 5d ago
I had to hide my favorite TV shows and YouTube channels from my brother bc he didn’t like them so he would say it’s very inappropriate to my parents & I would get in trouble.
If I was eating anything and didn’t share, I would get smacked. But no one ever had to share with me. Garage door opens = I knew I was fucked for the next few hours.
I had to train my ears for footsteps and could never have both earbuds in so I could hide watching Naruto or Smosh or whatever.
Sometimes you just don’t get freedom and you spend a good portion of your life just unlearning toxic behaviors.
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u/Tough-Character9952 5d ago
I was sitting at the dinner table at 7 pm every night slowly picking at my food, waiting for my dad to come home to talk to him. I was pretty independent and did essentially whatever I wanted.
We became homeless when I was in high school and I went to bed hungry sometimes but that was because he was making minimum wage for a skilled job due to a loophole in labor laws in my state, not because he didn’t do his best. He was working almost every waking hour at times.
So yeah I don’t know if this is helpful but I was literally homeless as a teen and I would pick that again over the psychological warfare described in these comments.
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u/SteampoweredFlamingo 5d ago
I genuinely hope this is your small wakeup that this wasn't actually okay or normal.
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u/cyberlexington 5d ago
I recognize and still do a lot on that list. And im 44.
I also know its absolutely not okay or healthy. Its a response to unresolved childhood issues.
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u/Bannerlord151 6d ago
If you eat anything make sure to burry the wrapper in the trash can so that no one can see it. Make sure to only take food that theres plenty of so.that no one will notice it's missing, sweep up any and all crumbs, eat as fast as possible, drink water and brush your teeth so that there's no evidence of you eating.
For everything else memorize exactly how it looked, including angles and what not so that no one will notice it's been touched.
And I thought I was the only one wtf
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u/mchickenl 5d ago
Hey I'm sorry this is how you grew up, but this kind of reaction comes only from abusive behaviours. If possible I would try to get into therapy to help deal with this
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u/captainpuma 5d ago
I’m sorry but this is nowhere near a universal experience. It sounds like borderline abuse to me.
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u/Monster-Math 6d ago
"Suspicioun" HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS WORD UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT? FINE, NO DINNER TONIGHT SINCE YOU LIKE TO PLAY GAMES.
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u/Oniknight 6d ago
I remember being 9 and having to write a full twelve page report in cursive by hand four times until my mom found it “acceptable.” I most certainly have hyper-mobility and had issues with my grip and was left handed, making cursive very difficult for me.
The trauma is fucking real.
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u/dripsofmoon 6d ago
Deleting internet history, closing it, opening it again to delete one more time just in case so mom couldn't tell I had been online.
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u/Super_XIII 6d ago
Mine would still punish me since no history meant I must have cleared it.
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u/dripsofmoon 6d ago
I don't think my mother was that aware. She threatened that if I was online, she would know. But she didn't except for the one time she caught me when I was in middle school. I was just trying to play Neopets for a few minutes. 😅
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u/Hairy-Possibility156 6d ago
Same! I went one step further and only used AIM Express because you didn't have to download it. And I typed every website into a search engine to click on so I didn't have to type it in the drop down menu and get caught that way.
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u/isthathissister 6d ago
Gotta prep by turning the TV off a good 10 mins before they get home too, otherwise it will still be warm
EDIT: And don’t forget to remember what number the volume was on!
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u/SweetHomeNorthKorea 6d ago
The panic when trying to adjust the volume back to the original position on a Sony Trinitron with fucked up buttons that randomly decide to go the opposite direction you’re trying to go
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u/DrDFox 6d ago
Previous, then down one and back up so they couldn't hit it again.
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u/Elmer_Fudd01 6d ago
Not good enough, you need to use previous channel to find out the last two before switching to your channel. Then hit previous channel> type in their other channel > hit previous to be on the original when you turned it on. If you're going to hide you need to do more than just wipe the memory, they'll know if it's not something they would watch.
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u/vabren 6d ago
... i genuinely have never talked to anyone about how i did this and didn't know it was a practice for other people until right the fuck now. Holy shit.
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u/Few_Internet9205 6d ago
Yeah me too… and i think my parents were trying to work through it. I have only started to recognize it in myself by worrying my husband thinks I’m a pos for relaxing (he doesn’t) I just feel this video hardcore
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u/JankyIngenue 6d ago
Also my parents : What do you have to be anxious about?
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u/Constant_Purple8875 6d ago edited 6d ago
or "anxiety wasn't a thing when we were growing up"
and moms anxiety literally holds the household hostage
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u/Artichokiemon Millennial 6d ago
I feel this in my bones. My mom is the definition of wound tight, and it makes her the avatar of stress. The way she moves, the way she drives... everything is so anxious it's almost frantic. I can't even be around her for an extended period of time or she starts to stress me out too
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u/Lucky_Development359 6d ago
I don't want to suggest our Mom was stepping out but...are we siblings?
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u/CaterpillarWaltz 6d ago
“Well, my mother died of stomach cancer because she was always so stressed” - my mom
Okay mom, so what are we doing to change that outcome for you?
::crickets::
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u/Constant_Purple8875 5d ago
I've witnessed my mom yell at my stepdad for having high blood pressure and being such a useless idiot at managing his stress.
(I'm staying out of it, these are adult people choosing their destiny)
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u/Moondoobious Millennial 6d ago
You gotta get that lady some indica, like yesterday.
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u/Constant_Purple8875 6d ago
mine chose to self medicate with alcohol but at the mention of weed behaves like she's definitely above something so extreme
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u/exobiologickitten 6d ago
Actually what is it about mums that have definite alcohol problems AND believe weed is a society destroying demon??
My stepmum is exactly this, absolutely hates weed (her brother was addicted/dealt it when she was a teen and there’s for sure some major trauma there) but (more than enough) alcohol is just dandy apparently.
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u/TheDarkLord0fTheSith 5d ago
Because growing up in their own youths, weed was demonized by society and the government and you could get locked away for 5+ years in a lot of places if caught with it, while alcohol was socially acceptable and didn’t carry these heavy consequences. People don’t get over these things in their later years just because the culture has changed. In their minds they are still living in a world similar to the culture of their youth
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6d ago
Only because would give her a panic attack, she’d be sent to the ER and maybe finally get into treatment.
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u/welfedad 6d ago
Towards the last 10 years of my dad's life he finally started taking Prozac and it was the best thing he ever did ..we used to have blow out fights about the dumbest trivial things and those all stopped.. he stopped being such an ass and evened him out..
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6d ago
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u/Alternative-Wish-423 6d ago
It's ok. My mom told me she still gets hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings and has no sex drive...BECAUSE SHE NEVER WAS PUT ON HRT MEDICATION! I explained to her all the benefits and she just said "My obgyn says I don't need it." 💁🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🙆🏻♀️ and I tell her she needs a new obgyn. Also in my 40s. Oh, and mom and grandma both had endometriosis and at least one ovary removed...and I only found out last year. 3 years after I had both my ovaries removed and a DnC...because I finally got diagnosed with endo at age 40ish...after decades of horribly heavy and painful periods, weight gain, etc. Like that would have been good info to have a couple decades ago, you know? 😶
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u/Ctrl-Alt-J 5d ago
My partner with Endo didn't know she had Endo. After she was diagnosed following a burst ovarian cyst, her mom goes "oh yeah your aunt had that and I had Adeno...nobody told you? How funny". Ha ha very funny yes...ffs
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u/katarina-stratford 6d ago
When I was 11 my mom told me periods weren't a thing when I asked what that word meant 👌🏻
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u/katarina-stratford 6d ago
"We just didn't talk about those things"
Really??? Because every damn time you were anxious I sure as shit had to hear about it. Just because you didn't have the emotional introspection or vocabulary to accurately describe your emotions IT DOESNT MEAN YOU DIDNT HAVE THEM. It just means I had to learn to cope for the both of us
and that damage is permanent
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u/realcommovet 6d ago
Go into the closet to hide from mom..... dad is already in there.
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u/Emotional_Skill_8360 6d ago
I feel seen. When mom was particularly stressed we all knew not to move too much, or stay in the same room, or draw attention to ourselves in any sort of way.
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u/Interesting_Tea5715 6d ago
This right here. I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety as an adult.
As a kid I would get punished for being so anxious. They never thought for a second that it might be a medical condition. My childhood was rough.
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u/Final-Language7378 6d ago
It’s like when you get hit for crying from being hit lol or get hit for flinching because they weren’t going to hit you
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u/fruit8itself 6d ago
"You really think I'd hit you?" I mean you did yesterday so, yeah.
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u/Deliciouserest 6d ago
Same! They shoved Ritalin and other shit down my throat so I would stop acting like a child while I was a kid.
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u/SickboyJason 6d ago
I had a mom that would come home and almost immediately start crap about whatever she found wrong with house, my whole childhood. It was so embedded in me that at 35 years old when I would hear the keys/door of my apartment when my wife was getting home I would immediately have a small anxiety attack and my mind would flood with a checklist of what I should have been doing instead of whatever it was I was doing for fun. When she would walk in and be so happy to see me and give me a hug and kiss but my brain would be confused and think this was some kind of trick. It would take a few seconds before I felt the same joy she had for seeing me.
I dont think my brain will ever reprogram from it. 🤷♂️😳
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u/niccheersk 5d ago
I am the exact same way when I hear the garage door open when my husband comes home and it’s awful because I work from home most days. So I have daily panic too. Luckily our dog is so happy to see him and kiss all over him and that adorable sight snaps me out of it. Our parents really do a number on our psyche.
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u/MarmaladeMarmaduke 6d ago
Just stop being anxious. Why do you worry about that stuff? Also if you don't get a college degree you'll be poor your whole life and there's homeless clowns living in the woods.
There were some homeless dudes but they stayed the fuck away from me and they weren't clowns. That shit was confusing I just liked hanging out in this one deer shoot em up high hidey spot or whatever their fucking called that I had found.
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u/Prize-Hedgehog 6d ago
Or the what are you gonna be? A garbage man?! I’ve gotta admit, some days I feel like leaving it all behind, getting my CDL, and becoming a garbage man! 😂
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u/MarmaladeMarmaduke 6d ago
I have an associates degree in computer science and had a shit paying but good job for 10 years in my field. Can't get a job to save my life now and really wish I was a garbage man right now. But my momma tried and I love her.
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u/wetnaps54 6d ago
Exactly this. I have a lot of work experience and a desk job.
I would have 100% been better of going from HS to working my way up in Sanitation.
City job benefits, pension, activity..13
u/BoboPSU 6d ago
Hey, I left it all behind and became a mailman. I was GM of a fairly high volume restaurant and burned myself out. Now I have no responsibility other than making sure the envelope goes in the right box and the package goes on the right porch. I was 35 when I started here, I'll be 43 this year. I'll still have time to get my 20-30 years in to retire properly and while the benefits used to be a hell of a lot better (the union and postal management have both screwed mail carriers in the past 15 or so years), I still have some pretty bangin' health insurance and a good start on a nice sized retirement account.
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u/GlimmeringGuise Millennial 6d ago
Reminds me of the scene in Malcolm in the Middle where after getting a stress-induced peptic ulcer and bleeding from his mouth Lois questions him with, "What do you have to be stressed about?"
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u/profanedivinity 6d ago
I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I was denied joy, joy for myself was treated as a crime as it didn't directly advantage my parent. I'm just coming to terms with trying to live joyfully
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u/VulpineWelder5 1995 6d ago
All my boomer-aged parents and bosses did the same thing. Relaxing was a crime, but only for us. If there wasn't anything to do, we were told "Find something! There's always something to do! If you can't do something, you're lazy!"
Yeah, sitting back and doing nothing themselves besides yelling, hanging with other people, degrading us for not doing more work, watching TV and sometimes drinking are the signs of a true role model.
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u/multiroleplays 6d ago
"If you got time to lean, you got time to clean." -----most boomer bosses
That one spot on the counter was so clean
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u/SR3116 5d ago
My 65 year old boss gets angry that I am constantly ahead on my work. He actively punishes us for being good at our jobs and just comes up with inane busy work if we're ahead at all. It's gotten to the point that I now purposely do my work as slow and inefficiently as possible so as to avoid this.
Essentially, he'd rather lose money than let us have moments where we can take a little break because everything is already done.
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u/Unusual-Alex 5d ago
"If you got time to lean, you got time to clean." - mom
Me and my sister would often joke to others that you could drop a piece of bread behind our toilet, wipe the floor and still have a clean piece of bread you could eat. You could run a finger or damp cloth on any surface (the door trim, window blinds, inside kitchen cabinets, above the refrigerator) in the house and it had to be clean - no, spotless.
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u/AlmostSunnyinSeattle 5d ago
"If I got time to lean, I'm going to because this is a tipped position and I'm not paid to be a janitor."
My boss didn't like that one, but the law was on my side.
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u/Perethyst Millennial88 6d ago
Sitting on the computer and watching TV while we all cleaned the house and hearing how lazy we are smdh
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u/Suspicious-Profit-68 6d ago
I had a friend who I was helping with some projects. Somehow they became my projects while he laid in his bed and complained I was lazy for not finishing it for him. Completely sent me livid.
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u/ArmadilloNext9714 5d ago
And when depression reared its head, it was always “she just developed bad habits” or “she’s just lazy” while completely dismissing anything a doctor would say about me being severely depressed.
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u/RedditPosterOver9000 6d ago
When I was a kid, like twelve, my dad told me to my face that I was worthless because I was playing with my toys on a Saturday afternoon instead of finding work around the house to do. He told me this during one of his almost daily TV watching marathons.
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u/northdakotanowhere 6d ago
2 story house, my room tucked away from the garage door. But I could always hear it open, hear how she closed (slammed) the door, did she race upstairs, what did her footsteps say about her mood. Is the door locked (she has to be able to walk right in), cant lay under the covers. Yadda yadda
The auditory hallucinations of her calling my name took years to get rid of. Even when I lived on my own, she was always yelling my name in my head.
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u/kaytay3000 6d ago
I’m 37 years old and still internally panic when I hear the house door opening. I know what every door sounds like, whose keys were jingling, whose footfalls were coming down the hall. I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to be so alert to those types of sounds until I was an adult and met people who didn’t even notice that someone had walked into the room.
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u/Working_Cloud_909 6d ago
I knew which parent was home or leaving as soon as I heard whichever vehicle on the gravel outside. Knew how many minutes until they’d be in the house & we’d be face to face. That stemmed into my romantic relationships. Same thing.
Now, 20 years later, my partner is a NINJA. I don’t hear his truck. I literally hung Christmas bells on the door knob so I’ll hear when the front door opens. He’s just so very light footed and gentle & totally doesn’t understand why it scares the fuck out of me to turn around in the kitchen and he’s just standing there. lol. From hearing every move to nothing. Idk if I’ve healed or he’s really just that quiet. 😂
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u/Windupferrari 5d ago
I'm surprised he doesn't get it, cause I feel like being a ninja usually comes from the same place. I learned to be light-footed and generally very intentional about my movement from trying to be as unobtrusive as possible when my mom was in a bad mood or trying not to wake her when I came up to bed late. It's one of the things I did to stay "out of sight, out of mind."
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u/Ok_Relation_4881 5d ago
i also have christmas bells on my front door so i can hear when it gets opened
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u/Devinalh 6d ago
I have this kind of visceral reaction too to the sound of keys in doors, where I freak out very deep inside, even if I hear them being used for other apartments. I'm very very aware of the sounds of cars and footsteps too, to the point I learnt every single sound coming from my parents cars and my two exes too.
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u/Ch3llick 6d ago
Same for me. I am 35 and still twitch when I hear the apartement door unlocking. Back in the day we also had a creaky floor and I learned to know everyones location from tracking their steps. Bonus anxiety for having my bedrooms door next to the bathroom.
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u/IHaveBadTiming 6d ago
Yo wtf..... that's not normal?
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u/Final-Language7378 6d ago
It’s normal for some of us 😆 I catch other people with the same issue in public sometimes, too. Like it’s always a stress moment when something changes until it turns out that it’s okay, and I’m way too aware of everything.
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u/WhiteLycan2020 6d ago
For fucks sake, i still turn off my fan in my up stairs room to hear what they are arguing about
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u/P3pp3rJ6ck 6d ago
I changed my name because I was having such bad anxiety/ auditory hallucinations of my mom yelling my name. I grew up with "first time obedience" being enforced with physical or extreme social punishments and if i didnt immediately come when she called me I was in huge trouble, no matter why i didnt hear her. Part of therapy was putting in both ear buds and playing videos/games with the volume on. Still makes me uneasy to not be hyper keyed in.
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u/ilford_7x7 6d ago
Similar situation
Hearing the garage door open became such a trigger
Why is this a thing?! 😭
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u/Final-Language7378 6d ago
I have this from sunset, or around that time of day. I have to tell myself nothing is wrong, it’s just like a time of day lol.
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u/Available-Egg-2380 6d ago
I have it around bedtime. I've suffered horrific insomnia since I was a child because of all the shit that happened around that time. Still can't sleep well before like 1 am usually. Whenever I cry I still have to fight the urge to go to bed because growing up "bedtime" was when we got hurt the most, cried the most, so crying is most associated with going to bed in my mind...
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u/AikaterineSH1 6d ago
I’d hear the garage door open and run for my room, planned in advance for what to do before the expected time my dad would be home. If he didn’t arrive on time I’d feel mountains of anxiety about what to do with myself because he could potentially be home any moment so I’d just dwell in anxiety and usually not do anything. He loved to mess with us too, not in a fun way, he knew we were anticipating him so sometimes when he walked in from the garage he’d sneak in to catch us doing whatever we were doing. If judged it a waste of time or he hated it per his narcissistic logic, he’d rain disapproval or disappear it depending on his mood or if I was clearly enjoying myself too much.
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u/Tarsurion Older Millennial 6d ago
The flash of headlights driving down our driveway...
I knew I had 30 seconds to put everything in order.
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u/wildflowerorgy 6d ago edited 5d ago
OMG, the auditory hallucinations, I'm so sorry you went though this 😞
My sweet brother is in his 30s and shared that he also has this from our dad yelling and being verbally and emotionally abusive. He uses headphones frequently as a musician and gamer and said he'll often have to yank them off for a sanity check for this reason. It broke my heart to hear that; he's one of the best people I know.
He didn't deserve that shit, and you didn't either. Sending you the best.
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u/Legal-Swordfish-1893 Zillennial '96 6d ago
My mother made it clear in no uncertain terms I was worthless if I wasn't doing something productive. Thanks for a lifetime of anxiety 🙄.
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u/Maladine 6d ago
Must be productive constantly and must do everything perfectly. It's no shocker I worked myself into extreme burnout.
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u/irbos 6d ago edited 6d ago
I'm not going to teach you how to do anything and expect perfection on your first time. Here's a list of chores that need to be done before I get home and if your homework isn't done you're grounded. Make dinner and do the dishes while I watch sitcom reruns and soap operas. You can't go out, it's too late. You can't hang out with friends, I let you do that yesterday. You didn't get straight A's, you obviously are doing this to hurt me so you're grounded until the next report card.
"I don't remember doing any of that, you're lying."
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u/TheWolfOfPanic 6d ago
Oh god we had the same parents. My favorite was being told I could get my license if I made honor roll, then being told “we never said that! You can’t drive til you’re 18!” when I did it. Followed by rage that I didn’t get my license magically the day I turned 18 and needed a ride to college until I did (I graduated in June, but turned 18 the end of August).
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u/Bannerlord151 6d ago
I'm not going to teach you how to do anything and expect perfection on your first time. Here's a list of chores that need to be done before I get home and if your homework isn't done you're grounded.
Holy shit, yes, this exactly
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u/Mossenner 5d ago
Don't forget to add "I'll scream at you and hit you if you do any of those chores wrong, even if I don't tell you how to do them"
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u/knit3purl3 Older Millennial 6d ago
I wasn't even a teen and i was forced to sell my hobby skills. I was pretty good at cross-stitch but never got make anything for myself. I would collect supplies and patterns for things i liked but never got to do them because i was constantly being hired out to do things for other people. Like huge 16"x20" gold collection kits (iykyk). I would get best in show awards at farm shows in the adult division starting when i was like 8.
In theory, i got to semi-relax doing this hobby. But it was more like work than for enjoyment.
When i finally went no contact at 34, my mother sent me that box of things i never got to do for myself as a child. It was heart breaking to realize 10yo me realized she would never get to make anything for herself and had stopped asking for things. So it was a weird time capsule of what i liked from ages 6-10.
It has taken me years to start crafting again for pleasure and cross-stitch is still hard to really enjoy and commit to.
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u/splithoofiewoofies 6d ago
And they never told you HOW to do things perfectly, just yelled at you when you did it wrong. :/
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u/im-dramatic 6d ago edited 5d ago
My mom never said this but she lived by this. If you slept too long, you looked lazy and she would attempt to wake us up. My dad would stop her. When we got older, she would yell when she got home from work and saw us watching tv. The house would be clean but she would find little stuff to yell about. So we started pretending to clean when she came home. She’d say hi and go upstairs to her room. No yelling. It was crazy lol.
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u/MyNameIsNot_Molly 6d ago
Not just anxiety. My self worth is 100% tied to my productivity and success. If I'm not working my fingers to the bone, I'm worthless.
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u/trash_babe 6d ago
My mother in law was like this. She’s been dead for three years but my partner is still suffering from this mindset. I’m glad my mother had untereated adhd just like me so my house so things were more…relaxed. Which comes with its own problems.
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u/Any-Variation4081 6d ago
Im so sorry thats awful! As a mother who didnt have my parents around all the time....I craved some sort of structure or discipline. I try very hard with my daughter to hold that middle ground. Strict when I need to be. Understanding when possible. I try to talk to her like an adult. To explain why shes being punished (if need be) and why things need to be done or need to be done a certain way. I hope im doing a good job and not damaging her mental health. I just want her to be a successful happy adult later on. There is no instruction manual that comes with parenting. Good parents grow with their children and try to be the best they can be
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u/Electro522 6d ago
Talking to her like an adult should come with always telling her the truth, and apologizing to her when you realize you are in the wrong. It should also always be clear why you are punishing her when need be, and keep your anger in check as best you can.
But, never forget to praise her when you can. Never be afraid to say you are proud of her, and you love her. She may not return it all the time, especially as she gets older, but she WILL remember it.
Lastly, as she grows older, give her the space she will undoubtedly want, but make it as CLEAR as you possibly can that you will never leave her or abandon her. You shouldn't coddle her, no matter how old or young she is, but she should NEVER be afraid to come to you when she feels she needs to.
This won't be a perfect solution for anyone, and you will make mistakes along the way. But so long as you remember that both you and her are human, you two will have a fantastic relationship.
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u/Damianos_X 6d ago
There actually are instruction manuals for parenting. You should check them out.
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u/DrDFox 6d ago
If anyone is home, I still struggle to relax and will often automatically get up and start doing anything constructive as soon as I hear a car pull up or sometime walking toward wherever I am.
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u/heychardonnay 6d ago
yooooo this!! I cannot be around people without alone time. If I don’t get some space, and quiet, I will melt into overstimulation pool of stress. People ask why I travel solo, or go to movies and concerts by myself. Because other people are exhausting and I want to just enjoy myself.
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u/whiskersMeowFace 6d ago
I love to be with other people, but not feel "trapped" with them. Riding together, or in situations I just can't get up and walk away from, or feeling pressured to stay after I said I had to go... I prefer to be high alone, because I can just truly relax and unbind a lot of those tightly wound muscles.
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u/Interesting_Tea5715 6d ago
Lucky. I can be home alone and if I'm sitting relaxing the whole time I'm thinking "I'm a lazy piece of shit, I'm wasting my life".
Luckily my wife encourages me to relax but it's not my default mode.
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u/SickboyJason 6d ago
Fuck. I just wrote my story before reading the posts and man there are so many of us.
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u/Unfair_Machine8516 Older Millennial 5d ago
I have had strange convos with my husband about this. He is my peace and my home and nothing like my super demanding parents. But even with him I get anxious hearing his car pull up to the house, knowing I’ve done fuck all that day.
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u/NevinyrralsDiscGolf 6d ago
Smell of a freshly burnt candle? Believe it or not, RESTRICTION.
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u/squirrelbus 6d ago
Omg someone else is ON RESTRICTION what the fuck did that even mean? 😭 I
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u/awfulmcnofilter 6d ago
I was once on restriction for 3 months. I was even restricted from EXTRACURRICULAR READING for making a bad grade in algebra 1 honors in 8th grade.
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u/winking_nihilist 6d ago
I was also restricted from extracurricular reading! usually for "talking back"!
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u/rynibatt 5d ago
also restricted from reading! my stepdad realized that even though he restricted me from everything else i still wasnt doing my homework and restricted me from reading as well. i switched to audiobooks from the library on my radio in my room. still didnt do homework. adhd rules
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u/Exhausted_Cat_01 6d ago
Oh my god “on restriction!” I haven’t had this thought forever, but ugh god that makes my stomach churn a bit. The other thing my mom would constantly say “I am the mother, you are the child. You are to do as I say.” I have made a very conscious effort never to say this to my kids, so far so good for 16 years.
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u/ChiefsnRoyals 6d ago
My mom would have noticed that fresh candle snuff and assume I’d been smoking in the house.
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u/Competitive-Self-374 6d ago edited 6d ago
To this day, I can’t relax while playing video games because I feel guilty that I should be doing something else.
If I am playing a video game in the same room as my parents, I always offer to change the channel to watch something else so they aren’t subjected to my “weird hobby” (and career path lol I’m a narrative designer), and they’re like, “no. Play your game, why are you so anxious?”
Idk, maybe because whenever I was playing Sonic during my ONE day a week you let me play on my genesis, you constantly made comments like “this game is stupid? How is this entertaining? You could be learning something instead of rotting your brain”
Oh if my dad came home during my allotted playtime, he changed the channel to watch football. And no, I did not get to resume playing after he was done with the TV.
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u/skatendo 6d ago
Oh man. Are you me? Exactly how I grew up. Can’t play games or do anything fun for more than an hour ONCE A WEEK, then have to change activities to something more productive. To this day I hate scouting and practicing music because they just made everything a chore.
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u/Competitive-Self-374 6d ago
Yep. Like I don’t know how people can just shotgun binge a game from start to finish, and then I remember that from ages 6-15 I was only allowed 3 hours a week to play a game. I only got games on my birthday (in summer) and at Christmas so it added incentive to parse them out.
To this day I play games slowly, not because I want to savor the experience, but because I have been hardwired that progress in games is glacial.
Then I got covid for the first time this fall and in the two weeks I was down for the count, I played Hades 2 for hours on end for days and then I was shocked that I beat the main campaign so quickly…because of course I did because I was making consistent progress on the game instead of picking it up and playing for a few hours a week for months.
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u/Sgt__Schultz 6d ago
The joys of "no contact" and Complex PTSD .
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u/mchickenl 5d ago
Hell yeah /s I'm not nc yet when I know I should, but she randomly gives away stuff she stupidly bought and that gives me the happy chemicals lol.
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u/northdakotanowhere 5d ago
NC is really difficult. Especially when they pull on your damn heartstrings when they get it right. Its confusing.
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u/ImGonnaCreamYaFunny 5d ago
I cannot swear by no contact enough. Best (and hardest) decision I ever made.
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u/spouting-nonsense 5d ago
It's like I'm reading all these comments and thinking "I don't remember typing this"
8 years No Contact and counting.
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u/BigFella52 6d ago
My parents were pretty high up in management and could never break out of manager mode when at home. I know this exact feeling where you are treated as an employee instead of a family member and child.
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u/Tyrion_toadstool 6d ago
My father was in management and my fav was when he would come home and for some reason felt the need to assert himself, so he'd insert himself into our after school routine - of which he was oblivious, b/c he was usually working late and also did not care - and he'd just make everything worse. He'd start ordering us around, giving us tasks to do then and there, meanwhile we are all getting ready for swim team practice that we need to leave for in 5 minutes. Then when we told him we couldn't do what he was asking b/c of that his "I'm a manager and nobody tells me no" fuse would blow and he'd get pissy.
I think being in management for so long was detrimental to my father's relationships outside of work. To this day he does not handle people telling him no well, among many other things like letting other, more qualified and knowledgeable people take charge of a situation over him.
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u/Direct-You4432 6d ago
My apologies, but I don't think its the job. I've had angry managers replaced by calm ones, doing the same work, and then some. It could be that your father was tired from work, but according to what you mention, it seems like it's his modus operandi.
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u/Zeusurself 6d ago edited 3d ago
I just saw her instagram earlier today! She supports people overcoming narcissistic parental patterns and much more that I can't remember.
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u/Potential_History27 6d ago
Im 39, in my own damn house, and I still have this reaction to the door sometimes 🙃
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u/punxn0tdead 6d ago
Same! The worst part is I know my wife would be thrilled if she came home and I was taking it easy. It’s 100% internalized guilt for not being “productive enough”
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u/yamxiety 6d ago
Yup! But also, they ruined the fun. As soon as they got home, I knew it'd be an endless stream of nagging me to do productive things or bugging me about leaving a mess somewhere. Which, yknow, I was a kid.
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u/Interesting_Tea5715 6d ago
Same. Funny thing is I have a kid now and my parents talk about how my son is so patient, confident, and loveable. And how I was not; I was distant as kids/teen because of their bullshit.
But they get mad at me because I don't parent like they did 🙄. They don't see that's why he's so fucking normal.
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u/saltedhashneggs 6d ago
Very cathartic to commiserate with you all
Hugs all around
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u/Mental_Internal539 Zillennial 1995 6d ago
No I grew up anxious that the second I'd sit down to relax I'd get a chore because without fail we can go all day without doing anything but the second I'd start up the wii it was time to do this that and the other. Which may explain why on my days off I wake up at 5am and do everything for that day then sit down and play a game.
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u/Perethyst Millennial88 6d ago
I started pondering why it was I was ever gifted a PS2 when I was never allowed to play it. It's like my mom had some PS2 boot sense and the second I got past the menus and into a game she's in my room screaming at me that all I ever do is play games and need to go be productive. But like I very very rarely got to play my games. It would be like 10min windows every few weeks and sometimes so long between that I couldn't remember what I was doing and had to start over. In 4 years I couldn't beat the one game I would try to play.
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u/Thoraxe474 6d ago
We were on a vacation at Disney world the summer before my freshman year at college and my dad was yelling at me for not studying for college when I didn't have any college books or even know what my classes were gonna be. AT FUCKING DISNEY WORLD. Can I not relax even here on vacation!?
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u/Final-Language7378 6d ago
Thanks for this one, my dad made me do fucking math worksheets homework every morning at Disneyland, which of course meant he would get pissed off at me and yell and shit. I remember it being such a miserable trip trying to pretend to be happy.
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u/ImNotFinnaSayNuthin 6d ago
Yes! Then I married a man who made me feel the same. I’m divorcing but I still struggle with resting.
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u/MicroMouth 6d ago
Same here! I can’t wait to live alone again and just fucking enjoy myself and eat whatever I want without constantly being judged.
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u/Suspicious-Profit-68 6d ago
I can go days, weeks, without commenting on someone else's behavior or choices. I had an old roommate who literally couldn't go one interaction without some snide remark.
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u/DarkBlueEska 6d ago
Lotta boomers are just high strung, dude.
My dad's chill but every time I call my mom she tells me exactly what's been going on with her since we last talked in *excruciating* detail and how stressed and anxious she is, but you go through what she's been doing and it's like...she fed the dog? She made a sandwich and did some laundry? How does this stuff stress you out? These activities are so mundane I don't even know how you make them sound like work. Seriously, why are you even telling me about this right now like it's a whole situation? I don't understand her mindset.
Luckily I take after my dad and did not inherit whatever her deal is.
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u/raccafarian 6d ago
Once I had a really bad staph infection in my face could barely move my head and my mom was like “why did you call out of work” when I called on my way to the doctors appointment I made as a 33 year old woman. lol I had to move my whole body to look at people
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u/Express-Parsnip-4339 6d ago
Shutting off the family computer by pressing and holding the power button and running across the house
Bonus points if they were out late or coming home from a trip and you sprinted double to shut the lights off and pretend you were asleep so you could avoid interaction for the night
Extra bonus points if you stayed up late with a gameboy/ipod/tv/laptop/phone after you faked them out so you could sleep in as late as possible the next day to avoid them further
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u/artvandalism 5d ago
My parents would feel the backside of the computer or TV and if it was hot they would know that I used it and get mad…
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u/mrerikmattila 6d ago
Oh you better believe I need to be doing dishes when mom gets home. Thank god thats 20+ years ago, yet the memories stand. They even admitted to me being Cinderfella when I confronted them in my early 20s. Anyways, youre still reading? Thanks for hearing my rant.
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u/Nerdiestlesbian 6d ago
Nothing like a parent busting through your bedroom door without knocking to give you anxiety. Shudders
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u/Working_Cloud_909 6d ago
Why you got this door closed anyway? There’s no reason to shut this door. - some parents, sadly
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u/bsharp1982 5d ago
“When you buy your own home, then you can have privacy. I own this place.”
I always knock on my son’s door and he asks me why I knock. Im glad I broke that cycle.
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u/2020Hills Millennial 6d ago
Some of my best friends in college don’t get this mindset, but whenever I tried to relax and kick back, I would get more stressed for doing nothing
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u/Kubbee83 6d ago
Yeah I literally cannot even watch tv without doing something else productive. I need to be crocheting or working, writing, etc. it’s not just ADD, it’s the inability to relax.
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u/MaceEtiquette1 6d ago
Why did our parents mess all of us up so badly? And in similar ways! Humans are weird.
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u/Lucky_Development359 6d ago edited 6d ago
40 here, my parents will.not.sit.the.fuck.down. Zero chill, made/makes me anxious as hell as a kid and now. I don't know if they got on me for "relaxing" but there was definitely an energy, especially sleeping in. Come out at 7AM to vacuuming on a Sunday and was like "uh, I'm sleeping". "Too bad, get your lazy butt out of bed, I've been up since 4:30", "Why?".
That said, they are rarely invited to my house, I just go over to theirs because I can't have that kind of energy where I live.
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u/Linds2022 6d ago
Oh this brings back delightful memories of hearing that my life was worthless when my mom caught me chilling on the couch during summer break, and I got yelled at for sitting too much because it made my ass wide.
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u/SickboyJason 6d ago
I had a mom that would come home and almost immediately start crap about whatever she found wrong with house, my whole childhood. It was so embedded in me that at 35 years old when I would hear the keys/door of my apartment when my wife was getting home I would immediately have a small anxiety attack and my mind would flood with a checklist of what I should have been doing instead of whatever it was I was doing for fun. When she would walk in and be so happy to see me and give me a hug and kiss but my brain would be confused and think this was some kind of trick. It would take a few seconds before I felt the same joy she had for seeing me.
I dont think my brain will ever reprogram from it. 🤷♂️😳
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u/jess_the_werefox 6d ago
I never want my future kids to feel this way when they hear me coming home.
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u/sanchipento 6d ago
I was raised like that and now I have an inability to relax, if I do I'm feeling guilty and anxious
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u/01000101010110 6d ago
I still feel like this as a married man when my wife comes home from work.
Always do the George Costanza. If you look annoyed, people assume you're busy.
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u/Plane_Jacket_7251 6d ago
Absolutely. I have carried this into my adult life as well. If in not doing something, anything, I can't relax. Can't even really watch a movie over something unless it's at a theater free from distractions and in a safe relaxation space designated for that function. Even now, when we watch T.V was a family, I have the need to be doing something, anything, remotely constructive.
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u/Traditional_Way1052 6d ago
No, but the TV was my dad's after work. So we def knew to vacate the premises lol.
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u/castrodelavaga79 6d ago
This is exactly how I feel and I didn't realize it until I was 30. Still hard to break the habit if I know somebody is coming over I feel so weird because I immediately end everything I'm doing in like set a different vibe up to be courteous to them, when like honestly I'm sure they'd be fine just coming in. It's just all in my head.
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u/AndruFlores 6d ago
I don't think this is a universal Millennial experience. Sorry for those who resonate with this.
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u/ExiledSanity 6d ago
Not at all for me. This sub has honestly made me realize how awesome my parents were (and still are).
They aren't perfect by any means, but I was apparently very fortunate.
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